just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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