I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
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i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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