I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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