i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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