I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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