Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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