New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
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Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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