i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
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I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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