how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
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I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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