I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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