I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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