It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
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This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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