a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize