so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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