My cat gives me a boner
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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