she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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