I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize