I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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