we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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