My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize