So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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