mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
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do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize