Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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