I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize