My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize