Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
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just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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