i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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