Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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