Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
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I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
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Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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