my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
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Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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