I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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