No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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