i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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