when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
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you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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