I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize