"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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