i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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