I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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