mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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