I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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