if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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