I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka?
Forever.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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