I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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