im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
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You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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