my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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