What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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