just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
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The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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