my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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