My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize