my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
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I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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